throws like a girl

Lately now your dancing feet are always on my couch.

throws like a girl is well aware of the fact that she tends to regard the Astros' 25-man roster as if they were 25 personal boyfriends, and as such, gets a little tetchy in the offseason when they behave in ways that indicate that they like her, but they don't like her like her. And so it was in this spirit that I read in the Chronicle yesterday that Carlos Beltran is now flirting with the godawful 71-91 New York Mets.

Although the Mets have long been mentioned as potential suitors for Beltran, they hadn't been considered serious contenders until Beltran told a Puerto Rican newspaper about his interest in playing in Queens.

I mean, yes, I understand this is some kind of negotiating tactic, the variety that is perfectly acceptable if you regard baseball as a business and not a personal relationship, but I am just tired of it. Carlos Beltran, throws like a girl is officially washing her hands of you. You're a pleasure to watch out in center field and on the base paths, I've watched you make some astonishing plays, and I'm sure your best years are still ahead of you.

But go have those best years with someone else. My Astros have until January 8 to sign you, and you don't seem to be in any big hurry. With a reported $70 million to spend over the next five years, Drayton McLane may not be able to find another player of your caliber, but chances are good that he could find a lot of players that I'm going to like just fine.

...

No, but really, one thing that does please me is that apparently Drayton McLane is not offering the $96 million/6-year deal that was being thrown about last week. I think $70MM/5 is a very generous offer (though I am less crazy about the idea that Houston would have to pay $5 million to get out of a sixth optional year, which is what is being reported now). If Beltran is not content with that, then fine.

I am ready to let him go.

...

Let's review the offseason to date, to which my gut reaction is: Disaster.

Signed:
Lance Berkman (yay!)
Mike Lamb (okay only if in desperate need of a bat)
Brandon Duckworth (yuck)
Tim Redding (I still believe he could be excellent, just not here)
Pete Munro (okay)
Roy Oswalt (yay!)
Orlando Palmeiro (hmm)
Jose Vizcaino (WTF WTF WTF)
Craig Biggio (I am trying to be understanding, local hero yadda yadda yadda but it's hard)
Roger Clemens if he decides not to retire*

Didn't sign:    
Wade Miller. Intellectually I understand this, but emotionally, he is the player I'd most allow to go weeks without calling and then drop by my house unannounced at midnight without fear of getting yelled at; that is to say that I love him uncritically.
Jeff Kent. I think I have made my feelings clear about this. Our relationship was an unhealthy one.
Gene Lamont (3B coach) and John Tamargo (bullpen coach)
Gerry Hunsicker

*Roger Clemens: The whole will-he-or-won't-he thing is tiresome from you, too. I'm just going to go ahead and assume you're retiring. Good luck! 

...

Okay, that's not really a disastrous offseason, I don't suppose. There's just nothing big and flashy and bad-taste about it. Which is fine. I used to love Chris Truby, for gosh sakes. I can learn to love Willy Tavares in CF too, if I have to.

The only thing that ever made Boston tolerable was the fact that they were such enormous losers.

MOTHERFUCKER! MOTHERFUCKER! MOTHERFUCKER! MOTHERFUCKER! MOTHERFUCKER!

Wade Miller signs with the Boston Red Sox, for 1 year, up to $4.5 million if he meets certain performance requirements. Great deal for them, but I don't know why the Astros couldn't have put together something comparable. I'm assuming that union rules state that you can't offer a player still in his arb-eligible years LESS money than you gave him the year before, which is why they couldn't offer a performance-based contract before non-tendering Miller. But why didn't they immediately turn around and try to sign him as a free agent?

WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY?

...

My offseason sucks. My team sucks. I'm going to move to Chicago and start cheering for the Cubs now, I swear it.

More die of heartbreak.

My baseball girlfriends have all been wailing and gnashing their teeth for the last 48-72 hours because their favorite players are all suddenly with other teams: Tim Hudson to the Braves and Mark Mulder to the Cardinals, Cubs Fan's beloved Matt Clement to the Red Sox.

Now it seems that I must join their number, because I just heard the news that Wade Miller is now a free agent, the Astros having declined to offer him a contract.

You heard me, folks. Tim Redding? Coming back! Brandon Duckworth? Coming back! Wade Miller, admittedly injured for half of 2004, but still for gosh sakes Wade Miller of the 3.87 lifetime ERA? He is not coming back.

I will never see him hit the home run I was sure he could hit (I remember a certain shot that bounced off the wall in front of the Crawford Boxes early last season; I wish it could have been that one). I will never see him throw a no-hitter. Chances are excellent, in fact, that I'll never see him again at all.

I find myself hoping that he signs with the Reds or the Pirates. Wherever he ends up, I'll be cheering for him.

Step away from the rageohol.

Okay, so it's less than 48 hours now since Jeff Kent dumped Houston and me, and we're still processing. There were some ugly words in the paper this morning about how we were not entirely blame-free, how we tried to low-ball him in early negotiations and did not understand the value of compromise: In return for less than market value salary, he just wanted a longer commitment. You know. Like when you have just gone through a bad breakup and your ex phones you up at work the next day to start talking about returning the clothes you left at their place and all of a sudden you are shouting so loudly that everyone around you has to avert their eyes.

But we're getting through it, we're picking up the pieces and trying to figure out if we can get good old Craig Biggio to play second base/escort us to the office Xmas party, and we feel like shit but we're going to survive.

And then we get home and find an email waiting that our ex has gotten married to some bitch in Los Angeles. Who has given him a big-ass $17 million dollar prenup.

I predict that Astros management is going to put on its tightest, shortest outfit and go out tonight with the intention of signing up some ballplayers. Moises Alou, Pedro Martinez, Rusty Greer, it does not matter.

Let me tell you this, Jeff Kent: There are dozens of ballplayers who would kill to play for the Astros. We went to the motherfucking NLCS this year, damn it. We are superfoxes. We deserve better.

Jeff Kent is just not that into me.

Just because I haven't posted much this offseason, don't get the impression that I don't care deeply about what's going on in baseball these days. Last night, Cubs Fan and I stayed up past midnight, mostly to see if the Cubs were going to offer arbitration to her beloved Matt Clement (they did, damn them). Once again contemplating a Cubs rotation of Prior, Wood, Zambrano, Clement and Maddux, I fell into deep despair, I must confess. Cubs Fan observed cautiously -- she is often afraid of betraying too much enthusiasm, lest the baseball gods slap her back down to earth -- that if Prior and Wood don't recover their form then Zambrano will be the ace of the staff again this year.

Prior and Wood in less-than-stellar form garnered ERAs of 4.02 and 3.72 respectively. Of the Astros starters, only Clemens and Oswalt had better numbers than Wood (well, my boyfriend Wade Miller did, too, but his season was injury-shortened and who knows what would have happened?). Andy Pettitte put up a 3.90 in his considerably shortened season, too. This isn't meant to be a complaint. I'm just saying: The Cubs have what seems like an unfairly large quantity of good starting pitching. And the Astros still have Tim Redding. And Brandon Duckworth.

...

So it seems that Jeff Kent will be leaving Houston, and I'd be a little sad about it if I didn't think that he had turned down a perfectly equitable offer. Tim Purpura reports that Kent was offered a guaranteed $7 million for 2005, and an option for 2006 of $7 million if he put up 538 plate appearances in 2005. In a market that is lean on 2Bs, Kent will probably find someone somewhere willing to pay more, and it could prove to be a sound investment, even though he's going to be 37 next year and will have to begin declining at some point, surely.

I disliked Kent before he arrived in Houston and always said that I expect to begin hating on him just as soon as he leaves again. In my heart of hearts, though, I didn't truly believe this would happen. The madness of Jeff Kent is simply thrilling -- the time he got thrown out of a game for arguing balls and strikes when the count was only at 0-2, his dirt-kicking, his pushing, his completely lunatic speculation about Babe Ruth taking steroids. Oh, oh, oh, and that beautiful walk-off home run in Game 5 of the NLCS this year, and the look of pure joy on his face as he ran toward the mob at home plate.

Jeff Kent makes it hard to hate him. But still. The Astros would have been foolish to guarantee another $14 million to Kent at his age. And I'm just a little, I don't know, personally wounded that Jeff Kent didn't love me enough to stay for $7 million guaranteed, and a completely reasonable option for 2006.

I'm just a little hoping that he will fail with whatever free-spending team picks him up.

...

I think Houston needs some replacement crazy to make up for the hole Kent leaves, plus they could also use a good lefthanded reliever. Which is why I'm delighted to report also that the Cardinals declined to offer arbitration to Steve Kline.

I want him bad.