throws like a girl

There may be no crying in baseball, but whining is fully represented.

A couple of weekends ago during a lull in the game -- throws like a girl does not remember who the Astros were playing, but bets it was the Cleveland Indians -- Astros radio announcer Alan Ashby recounted a conversation he'd had with Craig Biggio about the internet. Biggio remarked that he was glad he wasn't a young player coming up now, because with all the negative online commentary about players, it was just too easy to run across some jerk badmouthing your performance. Ever since, I have been worried that somewhere along the way, I have inadvertently hurt Craig Biggio's feelings. (About Jose Vizcaino's feelings, I say: Tough luck.) Craig Biggio, you are a great player! Arguably a first-ballot HOF guy! The most underrated player of the 1990s! True, I came in on the decline side of your career and would like to see Chris Burke start at 2B and you sit on the bench, but trust me, Craig Biggio, we are all getting older.  I apologize.

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If it helps, the internet hurt my feelings today, too. Baseball Toaster posted their NL predictions and not a single one of those bitches picked the Astros to win. Only Alex Ciepley picked the Astros to come in second. Two of those jerks actually picked the Astros to come in fifth, though it must be noted that one of those gentlemen, Jon Weisman, actually picked the Pirates to win the division and is probably having a bad drug reaction or something.

I mean, never mind that I am also on the record -- or will be soon -- as believing that Houston will come in third behind the Cardinals and Cubs this season. I am merely trying to manage expectations, as Alex Ciepley was when he picked Chicago as his last-place team. Besides, I have been experiencing vague feelings of hopefulness for the last week, now that the Astros are finally playing .500 ball in Spring Training, my promising rookies are Houston-bound, and Andy Pettitte has pitched adequately in two consecutive starts.

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I was somewhat startled to read this morning that not only did Houston only get an unproven, light-hitting catcher in exchange for flawed but undeniably talented Tim Redding, they also paid San Diego $100,000 to take him off their hands. throws like a girl probably owes Tim Redding a few apologies as well, but man, that has to hurt worse than anything I could say.

You can put down roots, I'll drift aimlessly.

I would like to report that I have mixed feelings about the news that Tim Redding has been traded to San Diego, but sadly, all I can say is that I hope he finds what he needs there. And that Houston got something halfway decent in return. Last year, when the Astros traded Jeriome Robertson to Cleveland, the team walked away with Willy Tavares and Luke Scott, both of whom stand a good chance of making the big-league roster this spring. This was under the Hunsicker regime, of course, and so maybe what we'll get out of this deal is a glimpse into Tim Purpura's deal-making abilities. Which would also be helpful.

Farewell, Tim Redding! Harness your rage elsewhere! And if you can just manage to get into a fistfight or two, I might even draft you for my fantasy team. (As a stats moron, I tend to draft my fantasy rosters according to some non-baseball theme. Last year, my squad was all-Jewish -- making me perhaps the only fantasy participant outside of HACKING MASS to willingly sign Brad Ausmus. This year, I am going for The Rageohol All-Stars: Milton Bradley, Jeff Kent, Frank Francisco and the like. If you have ever kicked a fan, human or mechanical, I want you.)

ETA: Redding was traded for minor league catcher Humberto Quintero. It's funny -- maybe the one thing Houston has as many of as it does potential #5 starters is light-hitting catchers from Venezuela. I'm sure he's a lovely fellow, though.

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And speaking of Luke Scott -- he is SO my new boyfriend even though I have never actually seen him in person (throws like a girl is certain that he is tall and wavy-haired and totally dreamy) -- I was delighted that the Chronicle thinks chances are good that the Astros will be bringing Scott with them when they return to Houston this weekend. The unfortunate consequence of Scott's dreaminess is that the team will probably start the season with Craig Biggio at 2B, since they cannot in good conscience leave him out in LF and send Scott back to Round Rock.

Has Burke's decent spring been enough to win the starting nod at second if Biggio is his competition for the position?

"The short answer is probably no," Garner said. "In other words to put Biggio on the bench probably not, and Burke will some day be in that same position. It's a difficult position for a young player to be in when you come in to put a guy like Biggio on the bench. Biggio shows no signs of slowing."

Garner is two-thirds right. Derek Smart over at Cub Town pointed out in his Astros preview that Craig Biggio was much improved in 2004 until he reached August, suggesting that he has stamina issues but is still plenty talented. It would be great if there were room in the roster to platoon Biggio and Burke with the same enthusiasm that Jimy Williams platooned Morgan Ensberg and -- well, whoever was available -- at 3B most of the last two years. It could allow Biggio to put up more consistent numbers as well as transition Burke to an everyday role. I'm hoping that's what we'll see.

Thank god they caught the bastards who stole Roger Clemens' Hummer.

throws like a girl lately finds herself lost in a fog of spring baseball, from which she only intermittently emerges to say things like, "Oh! That Adam Everett can certainly hit well!" and "Look at that power stroke of Morgan Ensberg's!" and "I wonder why I'm talking about myself in the third person like I'm Bob Dole?"

But she feels compelled to mention that Cub Town, over at the new Baseball Toaster site, has the first part of its Astros season preview up today, and while throws like a girl can't be bothered to write her own, she did contribute a few inane remarks. What pleases throws like a girl most about the Cub Town preview is A) They place the turning point in the 2004 season at that brutal four-game Cubs/Astros series in Chicago, with which throws like a girl most heartily agrees and B) they say mean things about Brad Ausmus.

Beloved all-baseball.com is also just premiering its season previews, and throws like a girl suspects that she will have some words up there in a few days as well, though she is not certain because Christian never acknowledged her submission. If my -- phew, there's the first person! -- if my preview doesn't appear there, then I promise I'll post it here. But look for it there. Christian is a busy man.

And then there were -- oh, you figure it out.

Carlos Hernandez has been sent to newly-promoted-to-Triple-A Round Rock, but Phil Garner says that "he's still in the running for the fifth spot."

This reminds me of a Brushback story I saw last week about Carlos Beltran.

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Beltran Still Insisting He Wants To Stay With Astros
 
NEW YORK--Mets outfielder Carlos Beltran reiterated his desire to stay in Houston yesterday, and said that the ball was in owner Drayton McLane's court. Beltran left the Astros this offseason when the Mets presented a more lucrative offer, but still insists that he wants to work out a deal with Houston.
 
"My time in Houston was the most enjoyable time of my career," Beltran said. "I love the city and the people here really treated me well. The electricity in Minute Maid Park during the postseason was something I'll never forget. I have always maintained that Houston is my first choice. Believe me, if it was my decision I would retire there. But it's up to Tim [Purpura] and Drayton McLane. The ball's in their court. I just feel sorry for the fans, who are being deprived of my awesomeness."

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My colleague T. likes to tell a story about a preseason exhibition game he saw in 2001 between the Astros and the Round Rock AA squad, in which Hernandez pitched for Round Rock and absolutely embarrassed the big-league team. He came up to Houston later that season and went something like 13 scoreless innings in the first two games he pitched.

In fact, he didn't get scored on until his eighteenth inning, against the Cincinnati Reds, shortly after he hit a single and then, for some reason, decided to slide into second base. He was taken out of the game shortly after that, spent the rest of the season getting flown back to Houston for MRIs and x-rays, and was never the same pitcher again. In 2003, he had rotator-cuff surgery, and since then, he has been trying to refashion himself from a hard-throwing lefty to one of those crafty guys who lack velocity but have pinpoint control.

I haven't seen a lot of evidence of pinpoint control from Hernandez so far, unfortunately, but I feel for the guy, I really do. It would be as if suddenly I were unable to write entries about theme songs for closers and instead had to learn how to talk about VORP and WARP and DISP and how many additional wins saving your best pitcher for the ninth inning costs the team each season. In other words, I would have been sent down to Round Rock long ago.

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Meanwhile, Craig Biggio finally played his first preseason game in the outfield yesterday, which would have been a relief to those of us who want Chris Burke at 2B, if Burke hadn't been out with a bruised knee.

Because I don't have postseason aspirations for the Astros this year, what would really make me happy would be for Houston to field a team that does not have USE BEFORE SEPTEMBER 2005 stamped on their foreheads. Let some of those promising rookies get out there and lose for the big-league team! I can't say I'd be perfectly happy with this lineup, but what the heck? Maybe one of those rookies can hit.

1B: Jeff Bagwell
2B: Chris Burke
SS: Adam Everett
3B: Morgan Ensberg
LF: Luke Scott
CF: Willy Tavares
RF: Jason Lane

There is a lineup that could easily sell 25, 30 thousand tickets a weekend.

You can buy a lot of twinkies with $85 million.

The Astros have locked up Lance Berkman, about whom I was growing increasingly fretful, for the next six years. The deal is $85 million, including the $10.5 million he already agreed to this year to avoid arbitration. The exact structure has not been announced, but knowing the Astros, most of the money is probably backloaded. It works out to a little more than $14 million a season, which seems reasonable for 2005 and 2006 but considerably less so for 2011.

When bad things happen to good pitchers

In the last 24 hours or so, the Padres' Jake Peavy has suffered a groin injury. Mark Prior has played catch, though he says his elbow still hurts. Kerry Wood may throw a simulated game. It's been a rough week for pitchers. And in a world where black is white, right is left, the last shall come first and the first last, the only pitcher who has genuinely good news to report is DL fixture Andy Pettitte.

It's true. After the elbow tweak, after the multiple DL stints, after the elbow surgery, after the sulking in the dugout during the playoffs because he wasn't contributing, after the rehab, after throwing off the mound, after throwing a simulated game or two, after falling down a flight of stairs and spraining his ankle, after a rainout, finally finally finally Andy Pettitte pitched his first game since August 2 of last year, against the B squad of the Cleveland Indians, with whom the Astros are still locked in mortal battle.

Pettitte threw 34 pitches and gave up four hits. "It was just extremely exciting to be able to face another team," he said afterwards, and man, when you can say that after facing the Cleveland Indians B squad, then you are truly desperate to play baseball.

The story is that he'll be ready for his first start on April 6, less than three weeks away. If the Astros really plan on this, I hope they keep an extra bullpen arm for the first week or two of the season.

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Dusty Baker on injuries: "It's not only here in Chicago, it's everywhere."

I don't know. I'm beginning to wonder if it's possible that Dusty Baker has a special hit squad of PR ninja assassins who are taking out top pitchers across the league to divert attention from all the folks who blame Dusty for the Cubs' pitching woes. Because it's just all too convenient to find out this morning that even Roger Clemens has injured his hamstring. Clemens pitched against the Detroit Tigers last night and gave up seven runs in 1-1/3 innings.

Naturally, Clemens was loathe to blame his rough outing on his hamstring, but instead explained that, like Roy Oswalt, he was just working on some pitches.

Most of the balls hit were changeups and we're working real hard at that ... My main thing is to work with [catcher] Brad [Ausmus] and my main concern is my breaking balls down here. We're trying to make some good pitches breaking ball-wise."

If Roger Clemens were a Chicago Cub, we could expect approximately two weeks of news reports about how he is fine and expects to start the season on time, followed by two months on the DL.

I kid, Cubs fans! I'm sure Mark Prior and Kerry Wood are going to be just fine. Meanwhile, you get to enjoy headlines like Nomar: The Cubs' new hitting machine!!!, while we get feel-good stories like Ausmus kicks it into gear. Yeah. Trade you?

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Random trivia: "Blame Dusty" currently gets you 281 citations on Google. "Don't blame Dusty" gets you 16. I guess that counts as a consensus. But "Fuck Dusty" is the runaway winner, with 822. "Fuck Steve Stone" only gets you 10, and I say: Cubs fans, fight the real enemy.

The "If I can't have you, then no one can" edition

So the Mets may be interested in our little Tim Redding? On the one hand, there is no love lost between Tim Redding and me, but on the other hand, it's the Mets. What if it worked out for them? Better not to take any chances.

But come on. I am kidding myself. I have spent four seasons now hoping that it would finally be Tim Redding's year, and it hasn't happened yet. Redding has one of the better Spring Training records of the cast of candidates vying for the Astros' no. 5 starting position -- his numbers are better than Brandon Backe's in exactly the way that makes you scream SMALL SAMPLE SIZE SMALL SAMPLE SIZE over and over again to distract yourself from the possibility that Backe is going to stink this year, too. But one thing for which we have a considerably larger sample size is evidence that Redding just can't achieve sustained excellence as a starting pitcher.

In this, he is a lot like that other Astros disappointment who ended up with the Mets last year: Richard Hidalgo. The change of scenery (and manager) seemed to do Hidalgo good at first -- he put on a surprising show of home run power in a pitchers' park during his first month in New York. But then it slowed again, and his end-of-season numbers as a Met weren't significantly better than they were in Houston.

But it's not entirely impossible that Redding, whose problems everyone seems to agree are mental rather than mechanical, might blossom in a new setting. And oh how I do not want that setting to be Shea Stadium.

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The more interesting question is what Houston could expect in return. I'm wondering if they're still kicking around the idea of Mike Cameron, who reportedly told the Mets last week to please stop shopping him around.

I hope not. Having resigned myself to a lackluster 2005, I've been hoping this will be the year the Astros finally start bringing in some new faces. Speedy CF prospect Willy Tavares is still hitting .328 in the preseason (I know, I know, I can file that stat right next to Ausmus's .550). And Luke Scott is hitting .278. And then there is long-unappreciated Jason Lane, who is hitting .267. I imagine it's entirely possible that these three could wind up as lackluster as Orlando Palmeiro or Craig Biggio might.

But when you can have all three for nearly the same price you're paying Palmeiro this year -- and less than 1/3 of what Biggio will get -- and when you have no realistic chance to win the division, unless the Cardinals and Cubs are involved in a tragic mid-air collision somewhere in the Midwest -- what have you really got to lose?

Holy cream filling!

I caught my first extended listen to a spring training game this afternoon -- the Astros were playing the Cleveland Indians for the 900th time in the last two weeks -- and for once, things seemed to be going well. By the time I arrived at my destination, I had heard:

1. Jason Lane hit a triple, after which Jose Vizcaino managed to drive him home on a routine groundball out.

2. Craig Biggio make a diving catch at second base. This happened in the middle of an extended conversation between Alan Ashby and one of the television announcers -- Bill Brown, I believe -- about how the team was going to make up for the loss of Jeff Kent, but neither seemed to notice that it has been a long time since Jeff Kent made a diving anything.

3. BRAD AUSMUS HIT A HOME RUN. I shit you not, people. Brad Ausmus is, by the way, hitting .550 in spring training. Given that even when Brad Ausmus somehow puts together a two-week stretch where he is not an automatic out every time he steps to the plate, he still isn't much better than a .295 or so hitter (see August 2004, when he had three multi-hit games in about three weeks), this could be meaningful. I mean, regular-season meaningful.

Brad Ausmus also hit a double, apparently sometime before or after I tuned in.

What will throws like a girl do if she doesn't have Brad Ausmus to kick around any more?

Morgan Ensberg and Adam Everett also hit home runs, prompting Alan Ashby to admit that it was pretty windy, actually.

4. Roy Oswalt work on his changeup. And yes, sure, he gave up a two-run homer to Juan Gonzalez, but this is Spring Training, man, and sometimes you go into a game just to work on a pitch, and you're just trying to throw that pitch as often as you can, and it really doesn't matter if the team wins or loses because it's Spring Training. Sheesh.

5. Pete Munro get the axe. I remember Munro fondly from the September pennant race and the playoffs, and this made me deeply sad. But when even Tim Redding is putting up better numbers than you -- hell, when Dave Burba is putting up better numbers than you -- it might be time to try your luck elsewhere.

6. Lance Berkman may be back by May 1. Also Lance Berkman's awkwardly-read ad campaign for Methodist Hospital this season focuses on the subject of obesity, which uncomfortably reminds me of this piece of character assassination from the Heckler.

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You are probably familiar with MLB's new fan-focused ad campaign. My colleague T. pointed out yesterday that the stars of the Astros version are none other than the hecklers who sat behind me last season. I'm sorry to report they are not in peak form here. But as an advertising professional, I have to admit that you probably wouldn't sell that many tickets by having somebody scream I'M SO SKINNY JEFF KENT over and over for 30 seconds.

I wear black on the outside because black is how I feel on the inside.

I am thinking that I need to follow the lead of our Department of Homeland Security and perhaps issue daily updates and color codings to track the average level of baseball despair round throws like a girl headquarters. Yes, it is true, as the Houston Chronicle helpfully noted this morning, that the Astros have given up 40 runs in their last three outings. Yes, it is also true that the lion's share of those runs were given up by pitchers that I never particularly wanted to see in Houston come April anyway (I am looking at you, Dave Burba, and believe me if I had the power to set things on fire with my eyes, you'd be in big trouble). The Houston Chronicle also helpfully points out that five of the eight runs that Burba gave up were unearned, as they followed a Craig Biggio error at second base. Which has me shrieking CRAIG BIGGIO ON SECOND BASE? SECOND BASE?

But I digress. Thankfully, there was a perspective-inducing article on the meaninglessness of spring training stats by BPro's Nate Silver in the NY Sun today:

Between the muddy fields of Florida, the dry air of Arizona, the splits quad games, the pitchers' raw arms, the preponderance of rookies, and the celebrity cameos, the Grapefruit and Cactus Leagues rarely provide an accurate picture of where a team is going. Last season, for example, four teams - Minnesota, Seattle, Montreal, and Milwaukee - finished with a .600 record or better in the spring. The Twins went on to reach the playoffs; the other three combined for a 197-288 regular-season record.

Silver then goes on to imply that you could make a more accurate assessment of a player's potential by looking at BPro's Pecota projections than you could by watching a month's worth of March games ("Had the Yankees consulted the players' history, they might have inserted Cairo in the starting spot right away - according to Baseball Prospectus's Pecota system, which projects a player's performance based on his career statistics") but I'm not going to let this unsolicited sales message for Baseball Prospectus 2005 keep me from believing that all is not lost, all is not lost, all is not yet lost.

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So! In that spirit, let's count our Astros blessings.

Andy Pettitte threw a successful three innings in a simulated game. He's up to 51 pitches now, and is now throwing a variety of pitches. And he might pitch his first "real" preseason game this weekend, possibly against the Yankees. I always enjoy watching pitchers face their old teams (on Monday, the Astros faced the Phillies and Billy Wagner, who got a ninth-inning win off his former teammates, all the while complaining bitterly that Jeff Bagwell didn't bother to make the trip). That said, if the Astros' recent performance is any indication, they are going to lose lose lose.

Roy Oswalt has been stellar. Of course he's only thrown two innings so far, but he was unhittable! What other Astros pitcher can make the same claim?  Well, okay, Roger Clemens can. And, sure, Russ Springer. And, um, P. Norton, whoever that is. Plus spring training stats are, as we established, meaningless.

The best part of Oswalt's spring so far is the growing realization that he's kind of an asshole. (Says Cubs Fan: No shit.)

"The soft-spoken quality belies the fact that he has an edge to him," [Phil] Garner says. "It's what we would call in Tennessee, a 'back-country edge.' It's almost like you don't trust anybody that you don't call a homeboy from down the street that you grew up with. But I'll tell you, he is a competitor."

Oswalt won me over in the first week of training, when he went out of his way to explain that the reason he gave up three runs in one inning of work was because he was working on a new pitch, goddamn it.

"It's just work. That's all it's for."

"I was working on a pitch, and I kept throwing it up into the zone. We got through it."

"The good thing about spring training is that you get to work on a pitch, and that's what it's for ... A lot of guys say, 'Aw, he got lit up in spring training,' or, 'A hitter only hit .100.' Who cares?"

"Once you establish that you compete at a higher level, you get to come into spring training and work on a certain pitch."

So obviously getting hit up in spring training doesn't bother him at all. Except that obviously that Brian McTaggart kept making a big deal out of it. Sheesh.

Hits are coming from unlikely sources. Brad Ausmus went 3-for-3 as a DH in his first appearance of the preseason. Jason Lane and Luke Scott have multiple hits and a home run apiece. And Willy Tavares, who everyone dreams of in CF but for his reputedly crappy bat, has four hits, including a double.

I  know, I know. Spring stats are for suckers. I mean, Brad Ausmus has stolen a freaking base, people. Like the ads for mutual funds say, past performance is no indicator of future results.

That's what is keeping me going today. Either the spring stats are meaningless, so it doesn't matter that the Astros have only a single win in a week of play. Or we are on the verge of a Brad Ausmus renaissance. Or a naissance, anyway.

IT HURTS. IT HURTS.

I have been nagging myself for close to a week now about the necessity of posting some comments on the spring training season. Today, I said, today for certain I will tackle spring training.

Sadly, I have just clicked over to mlb.com to check today's matchup and discovered that the Astros are currently losing 21-4 to the Indians.

I don't know about the rest of the you, but I'm picking Cleveland to win the AL Central this year. That would be the only possible consolation for this travesty.

Back in the days when throws like a girl played spectacularly awful right-field for her pre-teen girls' slow-pitch softball team, if one team was ahead by more than 15 runs, they'd just go ahead and call it a night. Houston Astros, I say this to you: There is no shame in conceding defeat! Or rather, there is not quite so much shame as there is in playing out the last inning of a game you are losing by 17 runs.

I've been thinking about that softball team -- the Orange Sunshines! -- a lot lately, with regard to the Astros. My first season, we won only a single game, and tied a second (25-25 was the final score). throws like a girl is not proud to report that she once burst into tears at home plate after striking out for the 57th time of the night. Or that throws like a girl's dad confessed years later that he tried to skip as many games as he could, because it made him physically ill to watch his uncoordinated spaz of a daughter play that badly.

Right now, I have never felt closer to my dad.

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EDITED TO ADD: Winning pitcher Scott Elarton??!!?? Twist the knife, Cleveland Indians. Twist the goddamned knife.